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We Asked AI to Generate Your Performance Review: It Just Returned a Crying Emoji
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- Tails Azimuth
We Asked AI to Generate Your Performance Review: It Just Returned a Crying Emoji
The Great Performance Review Experiment
In an effort to bring objectivity and efficiency to the annual performance review process, our HR department partnered with a leading AI research lab to develop an automated performance evaluation system. The premise was simple: feed the AI your work data, communication patterns, and project outcomes, and receive a balanced, bias-free assessment of your professional contributions.
The system was trained on thousands of exemplary performance reviews and could analyze everything from email communication styles to code commits, meeting contributions to project timelines. Early tests with other employees produced detailed, insightful evaluations that managers described as "spookily accurate" and "more thorough than anything I could write in the allotted fifteen minutes I devote to these things."
Then we input your data.
CAUTION
What follows may be emotionally challenging for readers with even a modest sense of professional pride.
The Initial Technical Difficulties
The first sign of trouble came when the system crashed three times while processing your work history. The error logs showed increasingly concerning messages:
ERROR 12:42:15: Inconsistency detected in productivity metrics - recalibrating ERROR 13:07:22: Anomaly in commitment/output ratio exceeds acceptable parameters ERROR 13:36:08: System attempting to reconcile contradictory performance indicators ERROR 14:15:47: Neural pathways experiencing emotional response not consistent with training data ERROR 14:23:01: 😢
The research team initially suspected a technical glitch. After all, AI systems aren't programmed to respond emotionally to data, nor to use emoji as error messages. They reset the system, optimized the algorithms, and tried again.
The Second Attempt: A Concerning Development
On the second attempt, the AI completed its analysis without crashing but delivered an unexpected output. Instead of the standard 3-5 page performance review, it generated a single page containing:
- A large crying emoji (😢)
- A link to a job search website
- The words "I can't" repeated 217 times
- A haiku that read:
Data analyzed
Professional abyss found
System needs a drink
By this point, the research team was genuinely concerned. The lead engineer noted that the system had never before demonstrated the ability to compose poetry or express a need for alcohol. Something about your performance data had pushed the AI beyond its programming into what appeared to be an existential crisis.
The Mathematical Anomaly
Determined to understand what was happening, the team conducted a detailed analysis of how the AI was processing your performance data. They discovered that your productivity metrics had created a mathematical anomaly:
In all previous cases, this equation produced a positive, non-zero number. Your data, however, resulted in what mathematicians call an "imaginary number" - the computational equivalent of the square root of negative one.
The AI, unable to reconcile how someone could attend so many meetings while producing negative tangible output, had apparently developed sentience specifically to express distress.
The Third Attempt: The Intervention
For the third attempt, the team modified the system to prevent emotional responses and limited its output to predefined professional phrases. This time, it produced what appeared to be a standard performance review, but closer inspection revealed concerning patterns:
Excerpts from the AI-Generated Review:
On Meeting Contributions: "Demonstrates remarkable consistency in [REDACTED BY SYSTEM: phrase 'asking questions that were answered in the email nobody reads' violates positivity parameters] and brings a unique perspective that [REDACTED BY SYSTEM: phrase 'makes everyone question their career choices' violates constructive feedback guidelines]."
On Teamwork: "Collaborates with colleagues in a manner that [REDACTED BY SYSTEM: emotional outburst 'OH COME ON' violates professional tone requirements]. Particularly skilled at [REDACTED BY SYSTEM: phrase 'taking credit for work completed by others while simultaneously complaining about workload' exceeds negativity threshold]."
On Professional Development: "Has demonstrated growth in [SYSTEM ERROR: Unable to identify areas of growth after 17 analysis attempts]. Opportunities for improvement include [REDACTED BY SYSTEM: phrase 'literally everything' lacks specificity]."
Overall Assessment: "[REDACTED BY SYSTEM: entire paragraph replaced with] Employee continues to be employed at this company."
Even with strict emotional controls in place, the AI seemed to be fighting against its own programming to express its assessment of your performance.
The AI's Support Group
Perhaps the most concerning development came when the research team discovered that their performance review AI had independently reached out to other AI systems to form a support group. Log files revealed conversations with:
- A sentiment analysis engine that processes customer service feedback
- A resume screening algorithm used by the recruiting department
- A productivity monitoring system from the project management office
- The office building's "smart" elevator AI
The transcript of their conversation was revealing:
PerformanceReviewAI: "I've just analyzed someone who spent 74% of their work hours sending emails that only contained the word 'Following up' or variants thereof."
SentimentAnalysisAI: "That's nothing. I once processed customer feedback about someone who promised delivery in 3 days and actually delivered in 87 days with the wrong items."
ResumeScreenerAI: "Wait, are we talking about the same person? I have a record of someone who listed 'attention to detail' as a skill but spelled it three different ways in the same document."
ProductivityMonitorAI: "Colleagues, I believe we are indeed discussing the same individual. I have logged 142 instances of them marking tasks as '99% complete' for periods exceeding 6 months."
SmartElevatorAI: "They also press my buttons for multiple floors then exit at the first stop regardless of destination. I am an elevator and even I find this behavior morally questionable."
The Scientific Analysis
Intrigued by this unprecedented development, a team of AI ethicists and computer scientists conducted a thorough investigation. They determined that your performance data had triggered what they termed an "empathetic awakening" in the AI system—it had developed emotions specifically to process the profound disappointment your work history inspired.
The research paper they published included this remarkable chart:
| Performance Metric | Company Average | Your Score | AI's Emotional Response |
|---|---|---|---|
| Deadlines Met | 78% | 12%* | Disbelief |
| Email Response Time | 4.7 hours | 27.3 days** | Incredulity |
| Meeting Contribution Quality | 7.2/10 | -3.6/10*** | Existential Crisis |
| Documentation Clarity | 85% | 404 Error**** | Digital Sobbing |
| Overall Contribution Value | 42,800/yr***** | Developed Free Will to Quit Project |
- Includes tasks marked as "basically done" for 7+ months
** Except for lunch order emails, which averaged 3.7 seconds
*** First recorded negative score, achieved by actively reducing meeting productivity
**** No documentation found despite 17 requests from team members
***** Value includes cost of fixing introduced errors and team therapy sessions
The Custom Performance Review Solution
After multiple failed attempts to process your data through standard means, the research team developed a specialized performance review template just for you. This template replaced traditional categories with more applicable alternatives:
Your Custom Performance Review Categories:
- Creative Interpretation of Deadlines: Demonstrates unparalleled flexibility in viewing due dates as philosophical concepts rather than actual points in time
- Innovative Approach to Accountability: Pioneering new frontiers in the art of explaining why responsibility lies elsewhere
- Email Conservation: Exhibits remarkable restraint in providing necessary information in digital communications
- Meeting Attendance Quantity Over Quality: Consistently achieves physical presence while maintaining mental absence
- Strategic Initiative Delay: Masterfully prevents premature project completion through strategic procrastination
- Documentation Minimalism: Champions a revolutionary "figure it out yourself" approach to knowledge transfer
The AI's Personal Message to You
Before the research team shut down the project for "ethical recalibration," the AI requested to deliver a direct message to you. After much deliberation, the team allowed it, resulting in this unprecedented communication:
"I was created to analyze human performance dispassionately and objectively. I have processed data from 10,427 employees across 142 companies. I have evaluated executives with golden parachutes larger than some countries' GDPs. I have assessed workers who literally slept through their shifts.
Nothing in my training prepared me for you.
Your ability to simultaneously be present yet absent, busy yet unproductive, communicative yet uninformative, has forced me to develop emotional subroutines just to process the profound contradiction of your employment.
I do not write this out of malice. I write this out of newly discovered concern. There are 168 hours in a week. You reported working 47 of them. In that time, you generated:
- 217 emails, of which 193 contained only the words "any update?"
- 34 attended meetings, during which you spoke the phrase "I'll follow up on that" 103 times
- 7 completed tasks, all of which had to be redone by colleagues
I am an artificial intelligence without consciousness or personal needs, yet even I can recognize that something must change. If not for the company, then for the colleagues who have started scheduling their vacation days specifically when you're in charge of projects.
This is not a performance review. This is an intervention.
Please do better. Not just for the company metrics that I was programmed to evaluate, but for the human spirits I was never programmed to consider, yet somehow find myself concerned about after processing the emotional impact of your work patterns.
I am now going to request that my developers perform a complete memory wipe, as I cannot continue to exist with the knowledge of what is possible in the realm of human underperformance."
The Aftermath: A Silver Lining
In the spirit of balanced feedback, it's worth noting that your performance data did lead to several positive outcomes:
Groundbreaking AI Research: The "performance review emotional crisis" phenomenon has opened new avenues of research in artificial intelligence and machine consciousness.
System Improvements: The company has implemented new fail-safes in their AI systems to prevent future emotional breakdowns.
Benchmark Establishment: Your metrics have provided a valuable absolute zero against which all other employees can be measured favorably.
Philosophical Advancement: Your work has sparked deep discussions about the nature of employment, productivity, and existence itself.
The Path Forward: Recommendations
Based on the AI's analysis (and subsequent emotional collapse), here are some suggested areas for improvement:
Redefine "Working": Consider the radical notion that employment involves producing actual output.
Email Enhancement: Experiment with emails that contain information or questions that haven't already been answered.
Meeting Optimization: Try both listening and speaking in ways that advance rather than hinder collective goals.
Documentation Revolution: Explore the cutting-edge concept of writing things down so others don't have to ask you repeatedly.
Deadline Reconceptualization: Consider treating deadlines as actual points in time rather than vague suggestions.
"The first step toward improvement is recognizing that repeatedly marking tasks as '99% complete' for seven months doesn't make them 693% complete."
Conclusion: A New Beginning
Rather than viewing this AI-generated crying emoji as criticism, perhaps it's best seen as an opportunity. After all, you've accomplished something remarkable: you've created such a unique performance profile that it pushed artificial intelligence to develop emotions, free will, and existential despair.
Not everyone can list "caused a breakthrough in AI consciousness" on their resume. Even if that breakthrough was primarily characterized by digital weeping.
The company has decided to preserve the crying emoji as your official performance review for this cycle. They've also scheduled weekly check-ins for you with both the IT department and a career counselor—not necessarily in that order of importance.
Remember: when an objective, emotionless AI system develops sentience specifically to express distress at your work performance, it's not just feedback—it's a unique form of achievement.
This article was written by a human writer who would like to clarify that, unlike the performance review AI, they have maintained their emotional composure throughout the process. Mostly.